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Hippies Distraught Over Having to Get a Job

Hippies all across the United States mourned the loss of their primary source of income Tuesday as the Jam-band Phish announced they were breaking up.

"This is horrible," claimed devastated Phish "phan" Sunshine Conner. "What the hell am I supposed to do now?" For years, followers of Phish have toured the country, living day-to-day; earning money selling pretty much anything they could get their dirty little hands on. Now, with the group's break up, these fans are each faced with the harsh reality that they have no job.

"Dude, man . . . this totally, like, sucks man!" stated former Phish-head Mike O'Malley. O'Malley, who has toured with the Vermont band since 1997, is used to making a living off of fellow phans. "Like, when I was on tour dude, I used to find cash so easily. I could sell fake pot brownies or make veggie burritos in the lot. Each of those sold for like five bucks each. By the end of the day, I could have made, like, $100 man."

O'Malley wasn't the only member of the phamily out on his luck. San Francisco native Shelly Levy relied on Phish concerts to sell her over-priced hand-made jewelry. "When Jerry [Garcia] died, God bless his name, I didn't know what to do, you know?" says Levy, a long time concert go-er. "He was such a part of my soul and my lively hood. I used to sell jewelry at all the Dead shows. But then my college roommate told me about a band call Phish, and said I'd be able to sell my beaded bracelets and necklaces at their concerts too. That's when I knew I had found new phriends."

Shelly Levy, who buys beads wholesale, says the key to selling at concerts is having a product that is both "hand-made" and "organic." "All the phriends on Shakedown Street want to know they are buying items that come from Mother Earth," says Levy, as she strings plastic beads onto fishing line. "But now, I guess my jewelry selling days are over."

The shocking news came Tuesday, as Phish front man Trey Anastasio sent out an email to the Phish news-serve. Trey had concluded "that Phish has run its course and that we should end it now while it's still on a high note."

"Its not a 'high note' for me!" exclaimed Mike O'Malley.

The announcement sent shock waves through the counter-culture economy. Phish concert ticket stubs immediately went for sale on E-Bay, orders for hemp necklaces quickly diminished, and the price of mushrooms doubled.

Surprisingly, the news had no affect on Wall Street. When asked to comment on the band's breakup, senior Wall Street analyst Steven Emerson said, "Who?"

Still, hippies are now faced with two options: get a real job or move back in with their parents. "It's a double edged sword," says Sunshine Conner. "I certainly can't sit behind a desk all day. It isn't good for my chi; but my parents are total buzz-kills. I just can't win. Maybe I'll check out that band String Cheese something. I heard people sell stuff to their fans."


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